Future Nobel Peace Prize Winner- Nonie Darwish tells it like it is

Please note that this essay is SATIRE. Apparently Nonie is all hot and bothered about it. Satire, as far as I know, is not yet a crime. If you think about it the real tragedy is that it doesn't read as satire when measured against this woman's actual words and actions.


Zionist front lady...

No, really?

...and Beverly Hills “Peace Activist’ Nonie Darwish sipped at a cup of warm Palestinian children’s blood and talked with us today about her plans for peace in the Middle East. We asked her about her protest against the film “Paradise Now” and why she feels it shouldn’t be shown anywhere.

Beautiful as always

She replied that Arabs were never meant to be equal in any respect to Israelis and that it is their refusal to accept their lot as a lesser life form that has contributed to all of the problems in the world today. In a direct quote she said, “It would probably be better for everyone if the Palestinian people were exterminated from the face of the Earth, the Israelis need the land and God gave them the land including all of Syria and most of Iraq and pretty much anything that they want because God also told the Israelis that they should rule the Earth and that everyone else should serve them.” We asked Nonie where she got this information and she said the Israelis told her, so it must be so.

“Paradise Now glorifies suicide bombers. Suicide bombers don’t have uniforms. They don’t march in tight ranks and they don’t have the kind of corporate connections that legitimize an army, therefore they are violent insects and must be exterminated.” Nonie smiled when she said this and shifted coquettishly in her seat, giving us a warm motherly smile while attempting to give a flip to her polyurethaned hair. She further told us that when Israel attacked her own country of Egypt that they were entirely in the right because ‘certain’ Egyptians were thinking bad thoughts about the Israelis. “It is perfectly fine for the imported Khazars to take over Palestinian homelands because they wanted them and that should certainly be reason enough. The Israelis refused to recognize any rights by the Palestinians for anything because they wanted Jerusalem, which was their right, so they murdered their families and drove them into the desert and then poisoned their ancient wells. And what happened? These Palestinian insects refused to recognize Israel as if that were some kind of a reason. Can you not see the criminal nature of a race of people who behave in this manner?” Once again she gave us that warm embracing smile that makes her such a powerful spokesperson for Arab causes.

We asked her if the Palestinians, often having no other weapons but rocks, with nowhere to live weren’t using the only thing at their disposal to defend themselves against genocide. “Hah!” she said, "and why should they be allowed to defend themselves at all? It is their destiny to serve a master race. Is it moral or legal to resist the commands of your betters? I think not.”

I remember the day of our interview so well. Before I talked with Nonie I had had all sorts of conflicting ideas in my mind. Somehow I had gotten the mistaken idea that Palestinians were people. Talking with Nonie helped me to understand that they weren’t people at all and it didn’t matter what happened to them. She explained to me that the Palestinians served an important purpose in the Zionist game plan and in that regard they did have a certain amount of value. “When an IDF soldier shoots a Palestinian child we have to consider all of the collateral benefits that accrue as a result. The soldiers are able to test their weapons. They are able to improve their targeting skills. Israeli munitions companies benefit and the economy is made more robust. In this way the Palestinians do provide an important service. They’re not all bad, these Palestinians. Israel is working for peace all over the world. When the apartheid government was having trouble with their own insects in South Africa, Israel was right there to assist them tactically as well as with interrogation techniques and weaponry. It is truly unfortunate that the communist agitator Nelson Mandela was released from prison. At that time, though it grieved the hearts of the compassionate Israeli government, they chose to withdraw and have no further connection with the South Africans. Many of us still grieve over that.” Nonie crossed her sleek legs and gave us that seductive eye contact that has made her an object of desire the world over.

She’s a beautiful woman, no question. I had to constantly adjust my trousers because of the increasing tumescence caused by my proximity to this fabulous woman and tireless worker for world peace. She seemed to me of equal parts Mahatma Gandhi and Veronica Lake. How can I describe to you the powerful magnetism of this fascinating woman? I cannot.

“You see how clear it is.” she continued, “everywhere in the world Israelis are working for peace, In PNAC, in AIPAC and many other organizations. They even created their own Al Qaeda cell in a Palestinian area in order to spread peace. They assisted in the wonderful attack on the World Trade Center that has made so many peace initiatives possible the world over. Consider the Afghanistan and Iraq wars and the coming carpet bombing of Syria and Iran. Everywhere you look Israel is in the vanguard of the universal peace initiative. We must now stop this filthy film from receiving any attention at all. I’m sure you agree that it will only serve to agitate and possibly injure our collective effort to make this world what it has always been destined to be, one world under Israel.”

I could only nod my head and sit in awe of this woman’s clear and lovely understanding of how it should all be. I imagined myself as a dog curled at her feet, hoping for any sign of attention; a kick or even only harsh words; it would not matter to me.

“Zionism should be the first concern of honest Arabs everywhere. It is such a tragedy that all Arabs do not yet comprehend that their first duty is to see that all of Israel’s needs are met. What does an Arab life matter anyway?” she gave me a sultry moue and handed off her cup to an attendant for a refill.

“You’re a Christian aren’t you?” I asked. “She gazed off into space for a moment as her eyes took on a luminescent deliquescence. A look of child like wonder came over her face and I was reminded of the icons of early Christian saints that I had seen in museums and diplomatic pouches during my days in the Russian immigration service. “Yes, I love Jesus Christ with all of my heart. It is the teachings of Jesus that I use as a guide in all that I say and do. Jesus was the first Zionist. He believed in Israel first and always told us to look in our hearts for the Star of David that is tattooed there by God.”

Like those few exceptional people before her I could see that Nonie had been chosen to be one of those select few in that small club of, “God is on MY side.” I could now see Jesus as a divine hood ornament on the Israeli bulldozers in lands stolen by the Palestinians. I could see Jesus rising up with a flaming sword over the craven form of that communist agitator Rachel Corrie. I could see Jesus everywhere, riding in the American war planes, working in newspaper offices, his hands stained with printers ink as he pasted cartoons into the print master, smiting everyone and everything that stood in the way of humanity’s glorious future. Jesus marched through the corridors of Congress. He learned over the shoulders of George W. Bush and Dick Cheney as these righteous heroes marched at the head of conquering armies. He sat at the boardroom table of the corporations of Carlyle and Halliburton. He ate at a McDonalds in Baghdad’s Green Zone.

It is far past the time for all of us to realize that we are and have all always been Palestinian insects of one type or another. We are drones with a destiny. We are here to serve the interests of our masters and world peace can only come when we fully realize that it is not what happens to us that matters but how well we sacrificed ourselves in the process.

I left with renewed hope and a greater sense of purpose. Nonie Darwish had awakened me to a higher and nobler cause. May the dream and sacrifice of Nonie in Beverly Hills awaken all of us to a finer understanding. May all of us join together to crush Palestinians wherever they may be whether they are in front of us, behind us, or inside us.